Saving myself….#dVerse

This is a poem about struggling with depression and anxiety, and writing it has helped me with both today. I don’t know whether reading it will help the reader or make them feel as terrible as me so fair warning. It’s unedited and raw, and no doubt will read as somewhat angsty and maybe immature writing. But it’s the truth and I’m too tired to care. And I know I can’t be the only who feels that way sometimes.

I’ll be honest, when I wrote this, I didn’t realize that dVerse was having a no prompt night for April 1st, leaving it open for any and all topics. This isn’t the most fun of material but hey, life is a mixed bag, right? So now it’s my Poetics entry for the day!

Photo is of an old doodle I made sometime.


I’m trying to save myself.

I’m trying to help myself.

The pills, they go down so easily

but I’m trying –

so I count them out,

push two back,

one will have to do

for now.

Books with titles like Ikigai

and Lagom

are stacked on my bedside table

but neither the Japanese nor the Swedish

have the answers I’m looking for.

I thought Dementors were

only for the stories

but I swear one’s been trying

to kiss me.

The darkness and the cold

that feeling of the end,

we call it by a different name

and the ones that fight the cause –

they don’t know it,

but they’re feeding it too.

You tell me to breathe,

inhale slowly, long exhale –

don’t you know all I’ve been trying to do

is to f**king breathe?

Breathe free of your judgments

your rules and your social conventions.

Suffocation happens in the mind first

our lungs just bear the symptoms.

And I’ve been living like that far too long

never getting quite enough air.

But still, I’m trying.

I’m trying to help myself.

I’m trying to save myself.

12 Comments

  1. Depression is an insidious disease, difficult to combat. Perhaps the writing will help you rise above it.

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  2. First and foremost, this is an amazing write. Never apologize for what you write. We write as we write….some for one reason, another for another reason. It is our write….our thoughts….so there are no apologies. Just write.
    Second: amazing sketching abilities you have. This drawing is complex with images that verge on, in my mind, perfect graphic replicas (the petals of the flowers and the shadow drawing of the dog) and also an image that tells a lot in what it does not include: there are no eyes. That can have many different meanings, right? Subconsciously, why was this sketched with no eyes?
    The words….these words I think, provide great insight into what depression is:
    “Suffocation happens in the mind first
    our lungs just bear the symptoms.”
    I hear you. I appreciate you. I think your writing is profound. Keep writing. Keep living. Keep working at it………………I for one, appreciate your words and would love to see more.

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    1. Thank you so much for your thoughts and encouragement, Lillian. I appreciate you taking the time to think about the sketch too. 💕

      Like

  3. My usual spring depression was mercifully brief this year, but I’m having really messed-up dreams.
    The doodle is a real work of art. My doodles look like a pre-schooler stuck a crayon between the toes of their non-dominant foot.
    I appreciate it when people tell their truth. I think it’s wretched the way society shames people for being honest like we’re always supposed to be giddy with glee and the sky is filled with unicorns farting rainbows and pooping ice cream cones.
    A lot of my poetry tends to be pretty dark. Hence, I don’t have much of an audience. I’ve tried to give the people what they want, but that always ends up feeling like a lie. So I always end up going back to being my old salty, snarky, and melancholic self.
    ~cie from poetry of the netherworld~

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    1. Cara, thank you for your thoughtful comment. I completely agree with you – it’s hard to produce something that’s always going to be relatable or like-able. But you need to tell your truth. And like you found me, there will always be someone who will find you and appreciate you for expressing that truth. ❤️

      And thank you for liking my little doodle!

      Like

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