I’m finally coming to the conclusion (late to the party, I know) that at no point is life going to ever be neat and tidy, all the different parts in order. There is always (other than for some few crazy lucky beings) going to be some messy parts, some things that could do with improvement, along with a couple that need major change.
I may have just found a living situation I’m satisfied with but a new problem at work crops up. When you are flourishing at work, you ignore your health, and that brings up new issues that then require your attention. All of these moving parts are hard to strike a perfect balance with, and often being able to get to the optimal point for each of them is out of our control.
So I am trying to reframe how I see all the different aspects of my life. If I want to weigh each of them, while they may not all be equal, they shouldn’t be massively disproportionate either. I understand health probably is the underlying factor enabling us to enjoy all of the other parts, but unless there are major issues (at which point accepting its inevitable consequence on our quality of life is the only option), it also doesn’t need to be the overarching theme of our lives.
The way this new way of thinking would affect my life? Normally when someone I consider a friend asks me how I am, I tend to tell the whole truth. That is, I don’t give a one word answer. I sum up the parts that are going well in a casual “mostly good” and then expound on whichever life problem is harrowing my soul that week. Lately, that’s been my frustrating job search experience after leaving my old job to move to a new country – and god knows my close ones have heard enough about it. However, in this new way of thinking, I wouldn’t lie, of course, but I would try to look at my life more holistically, without the “problem” being so severely magnified in comparison to the rest.
It means that while accepting that my work situation is less than optimal and causing me stress and mini existential crisis on a regular basis, I focus equally on what’s going really well. I am excited about the holidays I have planned, about seeing friends, about my flat finally coming together and being able to throw dinner parties now. I romanticize the little things too, like the warm home made meals I’m able to serve up or an extra pretty sunset.
This way of thinking does not, by any means, come naturally to me. I certainly could never be accused of being a proponent of toxic positivity. But it occurs to me that more of my life is passing by everyday, and when I look back, I see chunks of time highlighted by the things especially bothering me then. And I don’t want that. I don’t want to remember only the “wedding stress era” or the “can’t find a job era”. There has to be a better way of doing life.
I’m doing little things these days to reinforce the glass-mostly-full way of thinking. Social media platforms are usually a catalyst for comparison and negative spiralling – but by turning off “like counts” and posting whatever resonates with me, regardless of whether it makes my life look appealing enough or not, I’m trying to make it a visual diary of each month of my life – including both small and large pleasures. It’s a literal highlight reel, meant to remind me of the happy moments whenever I choose to look back.
My mother is constantly reminding me that life is as interesting or as boring as you make it (in most cases – of course there’s some where it’s not in our hands). I see it in her lived experience, the vibrancy she brings to every room, seemingly more the older she gets. She is the queen of extra, of initiative, and of celebration. She wasn’t always the same; there have been phases, but this spark she carried with her always. What I learn from her is that ordinary things and days can be made special – but it takes effort, and the heart to put that effort in.
Today I’m here attempting to make that effort. Believing that it’s possible to have that wholesome, full life that I want even while certain bits remain elusive. It’s never going to be perfect, but it can still be really good.
Photo by Jacqueline Munguía on Unsplash.
Musings by Mubashshira 